


Restless Nights

by Sweet_anime02



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Bullying, Character Death, Depressed Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen), Depression, Dreams, Dreamsharing, Falling In Love, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Love, M/M, Sad, Sad Ending, Social Anxiety, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes, Summer Romance, depressed evan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-03
Updated: 2018-07-21
Packaged: 2019-06-04 17:32:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,270
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15152180
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sweet_anime02/pseuds/Sweet_anime02
Summary: Evan keeps dreaming about the boy that died, as if that changes things.





	1. Chapter 1

Evan thinks he’s going crazy. Besides the whole crippling anxiety and social awkwardness topped with a sprinkle of group isolation- he’s now also having dreams about a fucking dead guy. Honestly, people thought he was weird now but this would be the cherry on the lunchtime swirly spectrum if they found out, especially with the content of the dreams. 

The dreams were... strange, to say the least. It started small, before senior year even started- before the boy even died. Evan kept imagining the torment, the beatings and the bullying he would receive like the past few years, but- one night- he dreamt that as he was being pushed down, a pale skinned, long dark-haired boy shoved his usual tormenters into the row of lockers and offered him a hand up with a small smile. He was dressed in all black and Evan recognised him instantly, though the smile was foreign to him- Evan liked a smile on him. 

Over the summer it got weirder, after he broke his arm especially. He dreamed of warm afternoons- not in the park where he usually worked- but in the abandoned orchard on the outskirts of town. The air was humid but he remembers dreaming of running through the overgrown fields towards a framing of trees. He was laughing- somebody was behind him- but he wasn’t afraid like he normally would be of another human presence. The sounds of excitement were ambiguous to his sleeping mind for he hadn’t laughed like that for years. When he reached the trees in his dream he stopped, panting for breath and Connor Murphy raced towards him, grinning from ear to ear as his chestnut hair glowed in the setting sun. 

That’s when he woke up- smiling to himself before realising how creepy it is to dream about the towns very own locally depressed and aggressive icon of teenage angst. He would frown to himself before getting up, the sun barely risen, to an empty house. He would go through his day- isolated- wondering around his house like a ghost of the small child he used to be who ran the halls hyperactive and wearing out his father and mum as they chased behind him, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle figurines in their hands. He wondered past the knife drawer and medicine cabinet more times than he would like to admit over the summer. 

The last day of summer Evan barely slept due to the sheer terror of the next day’s events. When he did manage to fall asleep he visualised he was sitting in a tree. It was in the orchard again. He was surrounded by ruby red apples and he watched the sun set peacefully. There was no sight of Connor, which was peculiar has he had been a nightly appearance in Evans dreams. As the sun began to slowly peep into the horizon Evan heard rustling below him. 

“I waited all night for you Evan…” The voice was tired- melancholy. It was the first time in Evans summer dreams that he and Connor had spoken which rattled him to the point where he lost his balance on the tree and fell with a thump into the crisp autumn leaves onto the ground. He groaned- his vision wavering. It was the same as earlier this summer when he broke his arm. Only this time he wasn’t alone. He wasn’t lying there waiting in pain on the ground just wishing- praying- that somebody would come and find him and help him out of his sorry state. This was different. Even if this was a figment of Evans fantasies, a coping mechanism, he would cling to the fact he wasn’t alone when he fell. Connor was there. Connor helped him. 

***

The next day was eerily quiet. Nobody shoved him into a locker or grabbed his backpack and threw it into the garbage. Nobody pulled him into a bathroom to plunge his head into the toilet to give him an afternoon swirly and nobody made fun of his stutter. It was confusing to say the least. 

It was almost the same on the following day however Evan could feel the burning of peoples stares in the back of his head and the hushed whispers as he quickly shuffled, hunched over, to his classes. Evan was conflicted about this change of events- change was frightening and Evan kind of wished things would go back to normal just for the fact that this change was almost as bad as when his father left due to the anxiety that bubbled in his stomach. 

In his final period a knock came on the door right as the teacher was explaining how the years course will be marked and graded. Something about a linear grading system, not that Evan was paying attention. He watched as the door opened and an out of breath receptionist hobbled along the classroom to the teacher. The anxious feeling in his stomach reared its ugly head as both pairs of eyes turned towards him accusingly. 

“Evan Hansen. To the principal’s office right away please. Take your things.”

28 pairs of eyes turned towards him. 28 people began to whisper to each other. Evan couldn’t breathe due to the panic bubbling in his throat. He quickly shoved his notebook and pencil case into his bag and raced for the door with the receptionist trailing slowly behind. 

He reached the office well before she did, gasping for air from how quickly he rushed down the halls. The door was open and the principal stood from his seat to invite him into the room. Also in the room was a smartly dressed, grey haired man, sitting steel faced next to a sniffling, despondent looking woman. He was offered a seat and he hesitantly took one furthest away from everybody. Should he have sat closer? Oh no they’re going to think he doesn’t want to be here, wait he doesn’t want to be here, but they might think he’s being rude, oh goodness should he move closer, but that would be weird since he already sat down, what to do...

Before he could work himself into more of a panic the principal spoke. The time he spent in the room was a blur… he knows for sure that the sniffling woman began to cry and she handed him a folded-up paper saying, “he wanted you to have it.” He doesn’t remember much after that just being told he could go home early, so he picked up his backpack and walked hesitantly to the door in case they called him back while stuffing the paper into his pocket.

When he got home it was empty as usual. Another broken promise on his mum’s behalf. She said she would come home early today to celebrate his first day of senior year, guess not. He slowly walked up the stairs, not bothering to turn on any lights or even open the closed blackout curtains. 

Sitting on his bed, he sighed, taking in the familiar space, the wall full of tree photos and inspirational quotes Dr Sherman thought might help with his anxiety; and the only photo he had left of him and both of his parents, a smiling blonde boy holding a paper aeroplane with one hand as he clung with the other arm onto his father’s back as his mother looked adoringly at her husband and her happy child. 

Evan lay back on the bed before pulling out the now crumpled paper from his pocket. There was an unfamiliar handwriting adorning it. 

“Dear Evan Hansen,” it read. Evans face scrunched up in confusion. 

“I’m sorry. Wait, why am I sorry… Fuck I have no idea what to write. Well anyway, Evan you’re a cool dude, even if your awkward as fuck. It always pissed me off to no end when them assholes were dicks to you. You don’t deserve that. I know you’re probably thinking what the fuck like who is this but yeah. This summer was shit but… you made it better. I have no idea if you had them too but I dreamt about you. Usually I just have nightmares and like these dreams were way better than the reality of life. When you read this- If you read this… I’ll be dead. And I’m sorry about that I guess. Just know them assholes won’t pick on you again I hope- that black eye I gave one of them is sure to deter them from it. I wish I spoke to you before I did this. I tried to in them dreams even If they weren’t real… I have no idea what I’m saying. What are you meant to write in a suicide note? Oh well. You’re the only person I wanted to write to honestly. My parents don’t give a fuck if I die anyway, fucking Larry will rejoice because his messed-up kid is finally dead and he can have a picture perfect family. Not even Zoe gives a fuck anymore, I know I messed that up myself but I just wanted her not to give up on me. She did anyway, not like it matters now. I just wanted to say… Thank you I think. Thank you Evan Hansen for this summer. 

Sincerely, Me.  
(Connor Murphy if you didn’t guess already)” 

Evan lay there staring at the glow in the dark stars on his ceiling, his emotions racing and confused, until he fell asleep. 

***

The dreams didn’t stop after a few months. Evan was confused about that, but he was happy he still had that reprieve from life. They didn’t speak in the dreams, it was like no matter how hard they tried they just couldn’t. 

Things at school got worse than ever before now that his “protector”, as they liked to call Connor, was dead. He began skipping his therapy appointments with Dr Sherman- holing himself in his room to his mother’s worry. He stopped eating, not that she noticed as she was almost always at work. He would stare at the glow in the dark stars, thinking about nothing in particular, as he lay on the bed. At some point he would turn to his side and gaze longingly at the smiling boy on his wall- the boy he used to be. He didn’t realise right away but he knew he began to feel so hopeless to the point where he couldn’t even get out of bed some days. The days blurred into each other. The Xanax pills that filled the medicine cupboard along with the other miscellaneous pills were left, unwanted but not forgotten. Evan thought about his pills quite often. At some point he stopped sleeping altogether, He didn’t realise until his mother commented on the bags under his eyes on the one rare day she was home.

That night he grabbed an old sleeping pill, the ones his mum used to use and lay in bed until his eyes unwillingly closed. 

Connor sat in the long grass in the shade of one of the blossoming trees. His face lit up at the sight of Evan. He moved to sit next to Connor and they sat peacefully as the sky morphed into a beautiful twilight. Connor reached over, intertwining their fingers silently, making Evan look at him, eyes wide and questioning. Connor turned to look at him too, smiling slightly, before leaning over, hesitant, and lightly pressed his lips against Evans. 

“I love you, Evan Hansen…”

Evans eyes snapped open, only to be met with the usual slightly off-white ceiling with the usual glow in the dark stars. He sighed. 

He sleepwalked through his day, not even uttering a word. He accepted the days beating and the lunchtime swirly. By the time he got home Evan was thinking. He went to the kitchen, grabbed the wretched sharpie that his mother had handed him on the first day of senior year and a piece of paper. He wrote four simple words; I love you mum.

He walked quickly after that. His pocked weighed down with the decision he is going to take. It wasn’t brash like some might think. He thought about it for a while. Such a long while…

When he reached his destination, the orchard, he sat under the shade of the tree as he had done last night in his dream and pulled the multiple bottles of anxiety medication out of his pocket. He breathed out before steeling his face. He thought about Connor as his vision began to blur. He hoped he would see him. He imagined Connor, like in his dreams, smiling, hair framed by the sun making him look almost angelic. He loved Connor Murphy. 

His mind went blank as his eyes closed. He didn’t see the aftermath. He didn’t hear the heartbroken screams of Heidi Hansen as a burly policeman held her back from running to her late son. He didn’t see the tears- the funeral. He didn’t see the harsh slap that Heidi gave her ex-husband at the wake. He didn’t see her go to his room each night, clinging to his sheets, sobbing as she berated herself for being a terrible mother. 

He saw Connor. Waiting, smiling, at the edge of the orchard as the sun was setting and he was happy. Unmistakably happy.


	2. DISCORD SERVER

Hey guys! I have joined a really cool musical themed discord server created by @PaleNoFace and I'm a mod there. It's really cool so guys if you want to join here's the link! We have karaoke days and we are planning other cool events for you!  
https://discord.gg/nVGFqX5  
Hope I'll see you there!

**Author's Note:**

> Well i'm sorry... I can't help but write angst. I hope you enjoyed please comment and kudos i'll really appreciate it!


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